Beauty and Confidence

The question swirls inside my head. I try to stop it. It will not leave.

I walk into my bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. Gazing back at me I see the face of a girl who spent much time in preparation that morning for a day in town. The hair once carefully teased and curled now stands rather flat and slightly wavy. The sparkly eye shadow, the buffed liner, the black mascara, the lined brows, the powder, the blush, the lipstick, all a little worn from a long exhausting day. And again the question raises itself- What is it all for? 

Looking down at my feet I see the navy blue flats I had placed on that morning, the full floral skirt finishing below the knee and my denim jacket buttoned up with the collar popped. I had received several complements on it that day. "Your outfit is so adorable!" 

Behind all of that makeup and those carefully placed clothes, I am not as confident as I pretend to be. What is my confidence really based upon anyway?

Beauty, does it really matter? All this work, all this effort. Is it worth it? I can't help but ask myself... are my motives really pure and righteous? How does God see style and beauty?

It had all started with that one question someone had asked me. "You aren't a very confident person, are you?" I had responded with a no and I honestly meant it. But should I be confident and if so in what? Because if I have to find my confidence in what stares back at me in the mirror, then my confidence level may as well be ranked in the sphere of non-existence. No amount of makeup, no impressive hairstyle, no stylish outfit could EVER give me confidence. So does all that extra work to appear "together" really matter? I wonder, am I just wasting my time? 

Then, it was that younger girl in my life, who I had noticed lately was trying to imitate me in my style and appearance. It had irritated me. All the questions about "this and that".

I felt as if I was being convicted about something. It was painful to watch someone replay you, for you. It shocked me. Not really the clothing but my heart about the whole thing. Had I actually begun to put my confidence in that? Is that why I appeared as someone with no confidence? I know I shouldn't place confidence within myself. But is confidence a bad thing all together? 

I walk into my closet and pick up a book that I read several months back. It was what I was searching for. The title, just the title. Really? Had I already forgotten without realizing, the message of that book?

The Biblical Perspective on-

Self-Esteem, Self-Love, Self-Worth

I had read the book. I had agreed with the book. I had learned a lot from the book. I had been convicted by the book.

But wow, implementing it and living it out is WAY harder. I know self-esteem and self-confidence are not biblical. Why do I so easily slip back into placing confidence upon myself? It has never worked before.

Coming back into my room I grab my bible placed on my hope chest and take a seat in my pink and white gingham slipcover chair. I flip to one of my favorite passages in 1 Corinthians 1:26-31. 

God has not chosen to redeem me because I am so amazing, but because I am NOT so amazing. My not amazingness is His way of showing to all, His truly amazing grace. An undeserved grace. A gift given to the helpless and needy. So that we might not boast or put confidence in our flesh. Have I forgotten that? 

"Therefore, let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord." 

Still seated, I pull back the linen curtain away from the window. I peer outside into an ending day. Oh God! I very much lack in my confidence of You and have become boastful in my own flesh. Not only because of my lofty thoughts for myself, but because of the scarcity of my lofty thoughts towards You.

Glancing once more out the window, I perceive an awesome array of colors displayed across the horizon.

You love beauty. I see it, everywhere.

Could it possibly be that my priorities in striving towards beauty are lopsided to Yours? Outward beauty is passing. Inward beauty never passes. A women who fears you with all her heart, there is true beauty. 

You made beauty. You define beauty. 

Although you love outward order, femininity, and well made beautiful clothing, You find much greater delight in seeing the beauty of a woman who places all her confidence in You because she knows that in herself there is nothing to boast. 

I close my eyes, begging God to fashion my heart in such a way, that all may see my life as one that radiates confidence staked on a man. Not noble. Not mighty. A cause for laughter and jest.
A servant, so we might see selflessness. A mockery, so that we might feel forgiveness. A bride price, so that we might know love.

The perfect life. The sacrificial death. The resurrection. The humility. The love. The ultimate victory. This is beauty. Beauty that will never discolor.

The light begins to fade as the rainbow of colors begins to diminish across the sky. Yes, even this will wane away.

I look once more into the mirror at the wearied face before me. The makeup, the hair, the clothes. They bring a sort of beauty... but not a lasting beauty. Physical beauty is homely, compared to the glorious and magnificent beauty that You long to witness in my inmost parts.

I am convicted as the Holy Spirit touches my heart. He whispers in my ear. 

"You must be more concerned about seeing MY beauty. You need to spend more time gazing into MY face. Beauty is a matter of the heart. Once you have beheld MY beauty, then and only then, will you be truly beautiful." 

A Quick Thank You!

Last week we celebrated my Dad's birthday and the two year anniversary of my Granddad's home going. It is kind of fitting is it not? A celebration of life mortal and life immortal. A giving thanks for an earthly beginning that will soon come to an end and an unearthly beginning that knows no end. 

Everything is put in perspective. Life is short. This race will soon be over. Faint not!

Exposure to death, in a personal way, supplies us with a new appreciation for life and the power of the resurrection. Oh what glory awaits the children of God!!!!

My reason for this post was to say thank you. To say thank you to the One who has mercifully provided me with a manly father who's heart for the Lord and vision for the future has allowed our family to be a part of His Kingdom's advancement. To say thank you for being allowed to be able to see for myself His faithfulness in the life of my Grandaddy and to learn and be challenged from a man who fought for what he knew was right with a heart for the needy and broken.  

I want to say thank you to my Dad who has shown me that we must always be reforming towards God's word regardless of what others might say or think. Daddy, I have watched you mourn. I have seen you laugh. I have observed you make difficult decisions. I have seen you gladly share your possessions with others. I have witnessed you come broken before the Lord. I have seen you cry. I have observed you lead. I have watched you stand up for truth. I have witnessed you making mistakes and admitting your wrong. I have seen you serve. I have seen you encourage. I have watched you instruct. I have observed you being instructed. I have perceived your love for Christ's Church. I have seen your commitment to being a part of a local body. You have disciplined me. You have poured yourself into me. You have taught me God's word. You have allowed me to experience history for myself. You have helped me pursue the talents and gifts God has given me. You have daily reminded me of God's goodness. You have shown me what it is to be hospitable. You have loved and instructed me. And for this I want to say Thank YOU!

I want to say thank you to my Grandfather, who to this day, is still my motivation to press on and conquer in Christ. He not only taught others to be fighters, he was one. As a child, his lessons drove me towards performing my absolute best whatever activity I was doing. Today as life's trials have become a bit bigger, I can still hear his loud voice shouting after me to strive forward. Life is a battle that as Christians we can NOT abstain from. The last week of his life my grandmother came out with a story about his childhood that none of us had heard, not even my dad. We all had known that his parents were divorced when he was a baby and that his mother had remarried and had two boys. Yet none of us had realized the lack of love he had received as a child. He had never told any of us about it. No, instead of becoming bitter over the situation, he was broken and God used his brokenness to change hundreds of lives. He was known for his compassionate heart towards kids in broken homes with no future. 

Grandaddy, you have inspired me to never give up, no matter how difficult it seems. You have helped me see that brokenness in one person's life can affect an abundance of other people. You have shown me that God delights in a heart of compassion. You have taught me what it's like to live for Christ. You have shown me what it is like to die for Christ. You have loved me. And for this I want to say Thank YOU!

I heard someone say that- "We should never pass up an opportunity to say thank you to someone who has touched our lives."

These men have done so much more than just touch my life. How can I EVER say thank you! 

 "I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus..." -1 Corinthians 1:4

Today I Have Longing To- See Life His Way

The past couple weeks have been rough for me. I'll spare you all the boring details and just say health wise, I haven't felt very good… at all!! 

No, my point of this blog post was not to tell you about how terrible my week has been. 

You probably don't want to hear because you have your own trials, I know. 

I'm not going to lie to you… I battled with discouragement this past week and you want to know why? Because in "my way" of seeing I get so centered on my little 4x4 square of life that I forget to ask the Lord to help me look up and see things "His way". To think "His way".  

People will ask me things like- Do you ever get discouraged? Do you think you're getting better? Is this or that medicine working? How long do you think you'll be sick? Is this something you'll battle the rest of your life? Do you feel good about the doctor and treatment plan you have chosen?

Discouragement in my life, is only a sign of my lack of trust in the one who has made me and controls each cell in my body. It's easy to become discouraged when we get focused on the waves and forget the one who has given them. I so often slip into the world of "Natural Law". That is this organism, so you take this medication to kill that. That is caused by this toxin or that food, so we eliminate that by not doing this. It is so scientific, right? I mean they can see all these things under a telescope. 

Now, do I believe that God in His providential ways uses physical means to work about His purposes? Yes! most assuredly! But I don't believe in Natural Law.  The truth is I need to stop seeing my sickness as something caused by this disease or that. I need to see it as God's gift to me. Every parasite, every bacteria, every toxin, every gene. He has put it there for me… because He is the Potter. We can't separate spiritual things from physical things. They are all connected. 

I have people all around me telling me I'm going to get better and I believe that. But each day I live I have to daily surrender to the Lord the timetable of my life. If I am trusting Him with my future there is absolutely NO reason to become discouraged. Hasn't He promised to give me exceedingly and abundantly far more than I could ever ask or imagine?

Instead of asking myself how much longer I can hold on. I will ask myself this- 

Would I honestly be content with being weak and ill the rest of my life? I mean, would I? Am I only optimistic about this because my doctor thinks I'll get better or am I optimistic because I have looked through the eyes of God and seen a future brimming with hope for the kingdom of Christ? Am I more concerned about getting well than I am learning what God wants to teach me? Do I see this as beautiful because He has chosen it for me?

So my heart's desire is that I will quit worrying about, if this will fix that, or how much longer it is going to take, but that I will long for the things God longs for me. That He'll lift me up and help me see, the great and wondrous things He has in store for those who walk uprightly.

Today I Have a Sense of- Faith's Riches

"Since the Lord deals bountifully with all, every one becomes partaker of His gifts according to the measure of his own faith. If, then, we are empty or needy, that proves the deficiency of our faith; for if we only enlarge the bosom of faith, God is always ready to fill it." 

- John Calvin 

  May my prayer forever be, Lord increase my faith!

Contemplations... What Defines Me?

What defines me? 

Who am I? What are my goals in life?

Two weeks ago I had my first voice lesson. For forty five minutes my teacher inquired after my hobbies, personal life, loves, favorite past times, goals for the future, etc. I laughed thinking how complicated I must have seemed after my short attempt to explain myself to someone who knows nothing about me. 

After dwelling on my response, I was sobered as I contemplated how she might have interpreted my passions and affections. It caused me to question: What really does define my life?  Photography? Music? My family? My church? My friends? My illness? My love for beauty? Fashion?

Oh yikes! that is most assuredly not what I want people to remember about me… AT ALL!!!

When I speak, is the overflow of my heart fervent zeal for Christ and His kingdom? Are the desires of my heart in accordance with God's desires? 

The more time we spend in the presence of the Lord, the more time we devote to gazing into His face, and digging in His word, the greater our hearts, loves, and passions will resemble His heart, His loves, His passions.

 As Moses passed time staring into the countenance of His Lord, it caused Him to not only better understand God, it changed who he was as an individual.

"…Moses did not know that the skin of his face shone because he had been talking with God. Aaron and all the people of Israel saw Moses and behold the skin of his face shone and they were afraid to come near him." -Exodus 34:29-30 

Admittedly our faces are not going "to shine", like Moses' did,  in the literal meaning of the word, but when we search after Him we WILL find Him.

"When you seek me you shall find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

"I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me." -Proverbs 8:17

My prayer is that I will seek after God with my whole being, knowing that as I seek Him, He will reveal Himself to me. Not only will I benefit from time spent in His face but others will look at me and know to whom I belong. 

The way you and I spend our time and the things we allow ourselves to hear and see, will be our counselors and will define who we are. 

So you're actually saying, that the things I read, the music I listen to, the movies I watch, the friendships I invest in are what will define me? 

YES! exactly, and our testimonies as believers are tremendously watered down when our faces don't "shine" from spending time with Christ. 

Speaking for myself, I can honestly say that I don't invest all of my time wisely and all of my counselors in life are not in line with what God has designed for me. I have to repent daily of wasted time, and bad investments.

So often, the things that I put my heart into are NOT at all what I want others to describe me as. I want others to look at my life and see someone redeemed, bought, and purchased. Someone who is defined by humility and brokenness. Someone who shines. Someone who radiates Christ. 

As christians we SHOULD be defined by Christ. We SHOULD be seen as people who have been chosen and saved. Our goals SHOULD be to magnify and praise our King. We're called "to shine"!

Throughout my life, I battle with caring too much about the impression I make on others.  "They must think I'm such a wimp.", "They probably think I'm really dumb.", Or, "I really hope they don't think I'm a country bumpkin.", etc. To be honest, it sounds so ridiculous when I come out and say it, but I get so caught up in thinking about how I want other people to view me that I forget to consider how GOD might want other people to view me. 

I don't want people to remember me as someone who loves music,  pretty clothes, capturing images, who is really smart, and who never gives in. I want to be defined as a servant of The King because I know that is what my Father wants for me. 

Repetitive Mercies

With a stack of books, I turn the door handle, jerking open the back door that leads into the garage. As if in response to being moved the latches on the door produce their familiar squeak encouraging me to hurry on. Opening the garage door, I quickly hasten through, reaching the grass still damp and cool from the dew. Happily perceiving that the sun had finally decided to peep it's head around the storm clouds, I walk on thinking no more of it.

Running across the lawn, I head towards my final destination. The pier, my secret spot, is really not secret but it sounds much more romantic to think of it that way. It's as if I can focus better. I feel like He's there waiting for me, wanting to hear about all of my pains and joys, hopes and dreams, longings and gratitudes. 

Placing myself down on the edge of the pier, I roll up the bottom of my plaid pajama pants and splash my feet for a second in the cold muddied lake. After an intimate conversation with my Maker, I flip my way to the story of the Israelites wishing to read it after having heard someone refer to it recently in a sermon. Completing the story, I pause to reflect. 

My mind begins to spin in a thousand different directions. 

What grumps. How ungrateful. Do they know how much God hates murmuring? They had everything they needed: daily manna, a continual reminder of his presence, clothes that never wore out, His Law, incredible miracles, protection from their enemies, fresh water, etc. What losers. They just couldn't get their act together…..

Attempting to slow my thoughts, I conclude with their hearts being hardened towards His daily faithfulness and mercy. 

I try putting myself in their place, imagining myself an Israelite. 

With a smile spreading across my face, I venture to envision myself in an Israeli robe. No, I think I'll just leave that part out…

If I had seen a cloud by day and fire by night, as assurance of God's presence. If I had seen the Red sea parted. If I had eaten bread daily given from heaven. If I had experienced my shoes never wearing out. If I had drunk water that had been given from a rock. Would I have complained for more? Would I have forgotten to give thanks? 

Shaking my head, I now move myself back into the 21st century and replay moments from my life. 

About my daily activities, I follow myself around and gaze into my recent past. The moments flash by, each one penetrating my heart like a sword. I perceive myself complaining over the rainy weather, continual aches and pains, daily pill taking, wishing I could control each day and know when and why I feel unwell, protesting over my stretched out diet, and grumbling about not having "this or that". Convicted, I cry out to God, begging of Him to forgive me. Realizing that all that I'm provided with is given by covenants and grace. Why does it seem like every problem is my problem? Conviction comes so often now...

My mind goes back to the Israelites and I ask myself once more, if grumbling would have been my response to God's incredible mercies towards their situation? They were so dull to His mercies. Just because a mercy is repetitive doesn't mean it's dull, does it? Do I do that? No, not me I'm a pretty grateful person... aren't I? 

I look inside my heart and ask myself if I'm convinced of God's providence? Do I see life as something which is teaming with dynamics? Am I taking for granted the manna that God provides daily for me? Do I see each part of life as a revelation of God's marvelous creativity? Or have I have also become dull to His incredible mercies just because they're repetitive?

"Oh you know, that's just the law of gravity, that's just how that flower grows, or that's just how the world waters itself. The grass, it always grows. The sun, it always shines because that's just what it's supposed to do. "

I'm humbled as I realize the many times I've watched a gorgeous sunset and fail to see it as spectacular because it always does that. Looking upward at the sky I feel my face warmed by the sun's presence and a tear trickles down my cheek. Oh God, I also have become dull to your repetitive mercies. Please forgive me.

Every sermon I hear is manna. Every friendship I've been given is manna. Every joy and every trial I encounter are manna. Every breath I take is manna. Every healthy day I live is manna. All the food I eat is manna. All the clothes that I wear are manna. The family that you've chosen for me is manna. The sunsets, the raindrops, the flowers, the grass, they are all manna.   

My brokenness overwhelms me as I think on the many blessings I've been given, that I repeatedly disregard. I've been provided for abundantly and I've chosen to ignore it. I see it as something that "just happens". I, like the Israelites, have been given daily manna, an assurance of His presence, food and clothing, His laws to guide me, and His grace to sustain me. Not only do I complain over the severe mercies He provides but I lack an appreciation for the daily grace He shows me in all areas of my life. He is not required to show me kindness but He does it because He delights in showing repetitive mercies to His children. Lord I praise you and acknowledge your unending mercies. My heart is full as I recognize your patience towards my ever ungrateful heart.

Life is Full of- Busyness

Taking time to stop each day and spend one on one time talking to our Father can be difficult and thus is often left out in the midst of our "busy lives". But "busy lives" can and will not be productive apart from an intimate relationship with our Maker.