Beauty and Confidence

The question swirls inside my head. I try to stop it. It will not leave.

I walk into my bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. Gazing back at me I see the face of a girl who spent much time in preparation that morning for a day in town. The hair once carefully teased and curled now stands rather flat and slightly wavy. The sparkly eye shadow, the buffed liner, the black mascara, the lined brows, the powder, the blush, the lipstick, all a little worn from a long exhausting day. And again the question raises itself- What is it all for? 

Looking down at my feet I see the navy blue flats I had placed on that morning, the full floral skirt finishing below the knee and my denim jacket buttoned up with the collar popped. I had received several complements on it that day. "Your outfit is so adorable!" 

Behind all of that makeup and those carefully placed clothes, I am not as confident as I pretend to be. What is my confidence really based upon anyway?

Beauty, does it really matter? All this work, all this effort. Is it worth it? I can't help but ask myself... are my motives really pure and righteous? How does God see style and beauty?

It had all started with that one question someone had asked me. "You aren't a very confident person, are you?" I had responded with a no and I honestly meant it. But should I be confident and if so in what? Because if I have to find my confidence in what stares back at me in the mirror, then my confidence level may as well be ranked in the sphere of non-existence. No amount of makeup, no impressive hairstyle, no stylish outfit could EVER give me confidence. So does all that extra work to appear "together" really matter? I wonder, am I just wasting my time? 

Then, it was that younger girl in my life, who I had noticed lately was trying to imitate me in my style and appearance. It had irritated me. All the questions about "this and that".

I felt as if I was being convicted about something. It was painful to watch someone replay you, for you. It shocked me. Not really the clothing but my heart about the whole thing. Had I actually begun to put my confidence in that? Is that why I appeared as someone with no confidence? I know I shouldn't place confidence within myself. But is confidence a bad thing all together? 

I walk into my closet and pick up a book that I read several months back. It was what I was searching for. The title, just the title. Really? Had I already forgotten without realizing, the message of that book?

The Biblical Perspective on-

Self-Esteem, Self-Love, Self-Worth

I had read the book. I had agreed with the book. I had learned a lot from the book. I had been convicted by the book.

But wow, implementing it and living it out is WAY harder. I know self-esteem and self-confidence are not biblical. Why do I so easily slip back into placing confidence upon myself? It has never worked before.

Coming back into my room I grab my bible placed on my hope chest and take a seat in my pink and white gingham slipcover chair. I flip to one of my favorite passages in 1 Corinthians 1:26-31. 

God has not chosen to redeem me because I am so amazing, but because I am NOT so amazing. My not amazingness is His way of showing to all, His truly amazing grace. An undeserved grace. A gift given to the helpless and needy. So that we might not boast or put confidence in our flesh. Have I forgotten that? 

"Therefore, let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord." 

Still seated, I pull back the linen curtain away from the window. I peer outside into an ending day. Oh God! I very much lack in my confidence of You and have become boastful in my own flesh. Not only because of my lofty thoughts for myself, but because of the scarcity of my lofty thoughts towards You.

Glancing once more out the window, I perceive an awesome array of colors displayed across the horizon.

You love beauty. I see it, everywhere.

Could it possibly be that my priorities in striving towards beauty are lopsided to Yours? Outward beauty is passing. Inward beauty never passes. A women who fears you with all her heart, there is true beauty. 

You made beauty. You define beauty. 

Although you love outward order, femininity, and well made beautiful clothing, You find much greater delight in seeing the beauty of a woman who places all her confidence in You because she knows that in herself there is nothing to boast. 

I close my eyes, begging God to fashion my heart in such a way, that all may see my life as one that radiates confidence staked on a man. Not noble. Not mighty. A cause for laughter and jest.
A servant, so we might see selflessness. A mockery, so that we might feel forgiveness. A bride price, so that we might know love.

The perfect life. The sacrificial death. The resurrection. The humility. The love. The ultimate victory. This is beauty. Beauty that will never discolor.

The light begins to fade as the rainbow of colors begins to diminish across the sky. Yes, even this will wane away.

I look once more into the mirror at the wearied face before me. The makeup, the hair, the clothes. They bring a sort of beauty... but not a lasting beauty. Physical beauty is homely, compared to the glorious and magnificent beauty that You long to witness in my inmost parts.

I am convicted as the Holy Spirit touches my heart. He whispers in my ear. 

"You must be more concerned about seeing MY beauty. You need to spend more time gazing into MY face. Beauty is a matter of the heart. Once you have beheld MY beauty, then and only then, will you be truly beautiful."